In which I engage in slightly questionable behavior

As my brother walked in from work tonight, he caught me hovering over a paper towel containing what has become a favorite snack of mine: microwaved bacon bits.

Before you inevitably judge me, let me share a few facts about this miraculous food:

1. The bacon bits come in a re-sealable pouch & are refrigerated- which any reasonably educated person knows, means they're real food. 

2. Recently, a couple of friends have made remarks such as "you know they still have calories, right?" and "they're not healthy if you eat them by the handful", to which I say: Wrong. Contrary to popular belief, denial is a calorie-free food & even if theoretically, the bacon bits contained them, the microwave causes fat to transfer itself to the paper towel. Duh.

3. Bacon bits are a versatile food - why, just the other night I had them with cheese and Wheat Thins. The week before? By themselves. Tonight? ON A BURGER I WRESTLED FROM MY BROTHER'S VERY HAND.

Exhibit A for AWESOME

After making snide remarks hinting at my frequent consumption of this gift of the gods, my sweet brother advised thoughtfully "hey, you could add them to the burger..." to which I responded THAT'S THE PLAN. 

Exhibit B for BACON BITS on BURGER action

Of course, this activity does put a damper on my plans for executing the recently recurring fantasy of being a vegan (the "this is better for my lactose-intolerant, not good at processing animal products system" kind, not the animal rights kind) for longer than a month (with once a month bacon indulgences), but I do think this is progress, in some yet to be identified way.

By the way, that burger was a BRILLIANT idea.